Do you ever imagine what other people are thinking about you?
I know at least one other sober blogger that’s mentioned that feeling before. Of thinking that you know what other people are thinking about you. It’s a terribly annoying habit.
Anyway, that’s what prompted me to write this next bit this morning. I needed to get it out of my head, so that I can make room for more positive thoughts. 😉
If you are not into reading, the photo is my mood. Withdrawn… but I’m coming out.
Sometimes I wonder if people question why a blog that was created to tell a story about sobriety, and walking with God (which actually go hand in hand), talks so little about drinking and sobriety.
Maybe that’s just my own mind chatter, and tendency to self-criticize.
When I read posts by others, who are still battling the bottle, struggling with their cravings, relapsing- but always coming back- I can’t completely relate. I mean I do, but I don’t. It’s not because I haven’t been there, and certainly not that I don’t sympathize!
Not until a man in recovery said it for me (talking about himself), did I figure out where the difference lies. There is a line that I crossed, and I hope that those who are still struggling, and going in and out of sobriety will consider it.
During my last downfall… I was beyond hangovers. I was beyond choices.
The progressiveness of the disease had caught up with me, had its hooks in DEEP, and drinking was no longer a question mark. At the end, when I gave in to cravings, I no longer had options. My nervous system was being affected. Debilitating shakes and a bit of delirium made it impossible for me to function- at all– if I stopped. And I didn’t really drink to function, I drank to survive!
So, for me, there is NO pondering the question; can I NOT drink today? After my hospitalization in March of last year, there was only ONE thing left that I could ever ask myself again about alcohol.
Do I want to live, or do I want to die?
I think maybe that’s where the difference comes in. I have absolutely no room to toy with the notion of “just a sip, or a couple of glasses.” No room at all. For me, it’s a debate of life vs. death.
I’ve already made my decision. I WANT TO LIVE!
I don’t have cravings anymore, nor do I even think about drinking. At all. Ever. I left the bottle behind, and there is no reason for me to look back at it, except to tell my story– and that’s already been written. I made the decision to turn my life and my will over to the care of God- who alone could save me (step three).
We felt we were doomed to die and saw how powerless we were to help ourselves; but that was good, for then we put everything into the hands of God, who alone could save us.
– 2 Corinthians 1:9 TLB
And He did. And He Does. Each and every day.
My story TODAY is not about fighting urges. It’s about surrender, and about learning how to live sober. Or… better yet, it’s about learning how to LIVE– period.
So I guess if I were ever asked why I don’t spend more time talking about drinking, I would have to say that maybe my blog isn’t actually about battling booze at all. It’s about LIFE.
A sober life. A NEW life.
A great life!
Gil repeatedly told me, throughout the two years of my battle, to stop thinking about- and focusing on- the drinking so much. For a time I thought he was crazy, but now I totally get it. We ARE the sum of our thoughts.
Someday, I hope to look back at this journey, that is documented in blog form, and say… WOW, look how far I’ve come! I say it already… but I know that what lies ahead is far bigger, and far better than anything that I could ever imagine.
I have faith.