In spite of ALL the madness in those days (the crazy 80’s) – I held down a job for eight years, until… eventually, I was laid off. It wasn’t a surprise. Life had gotten really ugly, and I was showing up late on a regular basis, or calling in sick altogether.
If ever I had to identify my first turning point… it was when I set foot in my career. Our landlord was a casual friend, and a real estate broker- and he literally walked through our front door, offering me a job. In all honesty, the method behind his madness was that he wanted us to pay our rent!
With all that’s ever happened, and looking back now, I’d have to call his job offer one of my first God Winks. I want to say that the job taught me to be shrewd, but that sounds harsh. Simply put, it was the first thing in my life that gave me a sense of my own identity.
I actually learned my writing skills in that job. I was an innocent, untrained sheep, thrown to the wolves in the real estate world (that’s supposed to be humorous). I survived my plight by teaching myself how to distinguish fires, ease the minds of stressed out clients, and win negotiations (and other battles), by writing well thought out, cleverly worded, and clearly stated letters and emails.
My verbal skills? Not so much! But, thank God for written correspondence!
I took the job seriously, and eventually creeped out of my shell. I learned how to interact with people face to face, and started gaining the confidence that I so desperately needed. The downside was that, for many years, it was like having multiple identities, or personalities. One for the office, one for socializing, and one for home (and so on).
Sometimes I wonder if that’s why alcoholics (or maybe just ME) tend to prefer isolation. It’s exhausting to have to “put on” a personality that suits the circumstance that you’re in. Like I said, it was never done intentionally; and it’s taken me a LONG time to see it for what it really was.
During my fourteen years at that office, I gained the strength and courage to escape the hellacious marriage and find sobriety. I blossomed into a productive member of society! BUT, I was STILL empty. The alcohol was replaced by a mild dose of workaholism, MAJOR overspending, and a never ending search for the man who never existed (looking for Mister Perfect).
The bottom line is that there was always a void, this insatiable appetite inside of me, and it was trying to destroy me. More, More, MORE! You need MORE!!
Well, this is taking longer than I thought. That’s journaling for you! I wish I could say, point blank… here’s how I WAS, here’s how God changed me, and here’s how I am NOW. It’s just not that simple. And… this is my journaling process. What I’m learning, as I write, is that life took me places, and God was always nudging me in other directions, redirecting my steps at times, whether I acknowledged Him or not.
That’s what I’m learning anyway.
Enough writing for one day. It’s time to get outside, and look at the world from behind my lens. 😉