I’m so glad I’m writing again and looking back on my journey. It’s really helping me grow. It’s not fun to recall my crazy blunders, but if I stay focused on the lessons learned, I seem to learn even more. Plus it’s refreshing to see how far I’ve actually come.
Last night I started thinking about how I always refer to January 7 of last year as “the day I got sober.” But I’ve had relapses since then. I couldn’t put my finger on why that particular day was the date that I always went back to. This morning it dawned on me.
It was the day I came to believe in God.
I knew that it was Him working in me that night when I had my moment of clarity, and He had finally become REAL to me. THAT’S when I knew that my life was going to be different. It wasn’t some overnight transformation, but it was the beginning of change. Now my mistakes look different to me. I see that I was only on step TWO of twelve in the program, and just one tiptoe into my walk with God. And I had absolutely no idea what surrender really looks like.
In other words- I was in for a rude awakening.
After getting back on my feet, both in sobriety and with the broken ankles finally healing, my journey got real. Stupid real. Not only was I trying to recover from alcoholism, but I had just admitted that I had this weird love addiction. I seemed to know what was wrong with me, and kind of understood why, but I hadn’t quite figured out what to DO with all of this information.
“Knowledge without wisdom is a load of books on the back of an ass.” – Japanese Proverb
My plan of action was to put a halt to any romantic relationships. Unfortunately, once I resolved that men were taboo, they launched an attack and began tactically infiltrating my boundaries. Seriously! Take a stab at “embracing singleness” and potential love interests will crawl out from under rocks. I kid you not.
The man that I had pursued came back in and out of my life after I thought he had vanished for good. My emotional ups and downs triggered more drinking and- let’s just say that I started recycling my “Welcome” chips. Somehow I managed to stay “just above bottom” for six months. I quit writing completely, and it’s probably safe to say that I wasn’t talking to God much, either.
In spite of my friends’ advice, and my own common sense, I kept the revolving door open. While that door was still spinning, a new man slipped in- right out from under that rock, and through my front door. He was funny, smart and charming…and he transported alcoholic beverages to me (that’s how he got in the door), so I was quite smitten.
Refusing to listen to my gut’s constant warnings, we saw each other for about four months. Not too often, but often enough for an alcoholic- love addict to start feeling all of those chemicals and hormones churning around. In mid-February he laid his confession on me. He lived with a woman. So, it’s becoming kind of apparent that men with serious commitment issues knew how to find me. No? Sometimes I speculate that they have a top-secret information bank somewhere, and I’m listed in it with the notation “Easy Target” next to my name.
Anyway, I hit the bottle hard and spent about two weeks poisoning myself. I was tired of opening up to men that I knew nothing about, fed up with myself for handing my heart out to strangers, and I was DEFINITELY sick of being told that I was too serious, melodramatic, or lovesick. Long story short…some friends from my church-recovery group intervened, and I was pulled out of the murky depths…once again.
The closer you get to God, the harder the enemy tries to knock you down. A friend in recovery said that to me and I believe it with every fiber of my being. I experienced it firsthand. But, if there was one thing I HAD learned in my life- it was how to be a fighter. So I grabbed that seed sized faith I now had- held onto it for dear life- and started putting on my armor.
THE ENEMY WAS GOING DOWN!
Next Up: Fighting to Win
Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.
1 Peter 5:8